Before I even begin to discuss one of the years most anticipated films I have to say a huge thank you to Limericks Live 95fm for generously giving me two tickets to their VIP screening of the movie with cocktails in the George Boutique Hotel, and The Library. What better way for a girl to spend Valentines Day. Anyways I know you’re not here to read my gloating on with the movie.
*Disclaimer- I have not read any of the trilogy of books. I tried but I found the female lead to be quite painful so I stopped*
*This Post May Contain Spoilers”
1. Annie Lennox rocks “I put a Spell on You”
2. Initially I find Ana intolerable.
The girl looks like she raided her great granny’s wardrobe, with the exception of a Black Keys tee which doesn’t seem to fit in with her character at all. She also doesn’t own a hair brush. She’s ridiculously nervous and quiet to the point of nausea. Quite frankly she is a bit simpering and gets on my nerves. Thankfully this does not last the duration of the film!
3. When Ana and Christian meet.
The premise of the two meeting is that Ana’s room mate has the flu and sends Ana in her place to interview Mr. Grey. Totally standard, I totally do that all the time. “Hey Jane, I’m a bit unwell today, fancy going to work for me? I know you’re not qualified or anything but shit how hard can it be.” Cue nervous Ana making an entrance to see Mr. Grey and guess what? Bitch didn’t bring a pen! Lovie you have a dictaphone why oh why do you need a pen? Oooh wait, never mind. You need a pencil given to you by Mr. Grey to suck on, y’know suck on his pencil. Are pencils sexy now? Will I need to bring pencils to bars? This may become a thing, but doubtful. Anyways when Ana is finished sucking the lead from her pencil she starts the most awkward interview with the smuggest man in the world. However he goes from stern and smug to enamoured by Ana in the space of about ten minutes, slightly odd but we’ll go with it. Cue a conversation which is most unlikely between two complete strangers in a professional setting, Nothing raunchy, just over familiar.
4. Mr. Grey is a lil bit of a stalker.
So he shows up at her place of work, he shows up at her house, he just keeps on finding out where she is and showing up. A little bit strange or just very attentive, you decide?
5. But he is a very generous stalker who gives nice presents.
Call me whatever you like, but if a pretty man wants to show up places I’m going to be, in a non threatening way, in exchange for a new car, new wardrobe and a mac book pro I’d be ok with that. It begs the question though with all the nice presents Mr. Grey got for Ana, why the hell has she a phone from the mid 90’s. A flip phone, really, really!!
6. This movie contains nakedness with body hair- yaaay!!
Ladies and Gents rejoice! Ana has hair on her thighs and is rockin a bush. High five for you cinematographer! I have to give this movie credit where it’s due. The makeup on this movie looked minimal and natural, there was no plastered on faces or stick thin female bodies. Mr. Grey was pretty toned but not ripped. Now that’s not to say it was a beacon of body positivity but hey it’s a start.
7. However the majority of this nakedness is Ana’s – Boo to unfairness!!
Yep Mr. Grey keeps his pants on for quite a lot of the movie. Ana is on full display and Mr. Grey is rocking a pair of low slung ripped jeans. Don’t get me wrong Ana is a gorgeous chick with a beautiful body but Booo to sexism! Equal opportunity for nakedness on screen.
8. Shagging Mr. Grey involves a lotta paperwork!
Before Mr. Grey will consider keeping you as his submissive you have to sign a non-disclosure agreement. Seriously, you can’t tell anybody, ever that something happened between you two. No matter how kinky, hot, fantastically mind blowing, you cannot tell anyone. EVER! Cause you signed a contract.
9. Paperwork isn’t always a bad thing!
Ana and Mr. Grey sit down and discuss their hard and soft limits. For anyone outside of kink circles your soft limit is something that you are willing to try but that does not mean that it will become part of your sexual repertoire, Hard limits then are absolute no no’s. Not a chance, no siree bob, you’re not doing that. It was cool to see a couple sitting down and being able to have a conversation like this. How much hotter would sex be if you could just say “Ok, gorgeous tell me what turns you on more than anything?” “What would you like to try?” and “What will send you running for the hills if I even mention it?”
This is part of where the consent and abuse element came into it for me. When Ana started to change (I could be wrong but I think this was tied in with her losing her virginity *Insert feminist rant about the social construction and implications of female virginity and loss thereof*) she went to visit Mr. Grey and discuss this list. She expressly said no to a number of acts and he was fine with that. No cajoling or trying to convince her. No meant no and that was sexy. There is also a scene where he puts his hand to touch her and when she says no he pulls back. None of this rapey “your mouth says no but your body says yes” bullshit.
10. Ana has an approved foods list!
It’s in her contract with Mr. Grey. And yet we never ever find out whats on it! Am I the only lil oddball that wanted to know what Ana was and wasn’t allowed to eat?
11. Any future sexual encounters of mine will now be accompanied by these Beyoncé tracks.
Seriously close your eyes and listen to Crazy in Love. Can you imagine being with the object of your lust and/ or affection sensually touching each other, in a jacuzzi or hot tub. Soft kissing, just enough light to see each others beautiful bodies and the flicker in their eyes. Moving on to a long slow sensual massage with warm oil or a massage candle. Exploring each others bodies, taking in every visual and sensual inch of your partner,,,
Haunted just conjures up images of writhing bodies, the sensual rolling of hips and the rhythmic slapping of skin on skin. So yeah I really like these songs, the soundtrack is pretty awesome in general. Just me or is it a bit warm in here……
12. There is a disturbing lack of foreplay!!
Hey producers, you can’t just get on top and ram it in, that’s how people get hurt!! Let’s pretty please show some foreplay so that we can let people that it’s acceptable, cool, fun and important to do so!! While we are at it can we stop the orgasmic moans at the slightest touch?? I know we all get excited and caught up in the heat of the act but has any woman ever had their stomach kissed and moaned with the same strength and intensity as she would with a tongue inside her? I don’t think so, let’s stop being silly.
13. Laters Baby…. really??
This is Mr. Greys signature goodbye for Ana. Laters Baby! A successful business man well versed in the language of kink and the best he can manage is “Laters Baby” Yeah C u ltrz Mr. Grey bbz
14. I don’t make love…. I Fuck Hard!!
Ok Mr. Grey we get it you don’t like romance and love that’s cool. But daaaamn if that line doesn’t just get you!
15. He calls the sexy room “The Playroom”
See there is a part of me is oddly uneasy with this. Is it an Irish thing but isn’t a playroom where kids keep their toys and play with them? So yeah I’m afraid the playroom doesn’t carry favour with me slightly creepy. Sorry Mr. Grey.
16. Fifty Shades of Fucked Up!
Yep one of the cheeseball lines from the film. Mr. Grey declares himself to be 50 shades of fucked up. I’m not quite sure what sort of psychological measuring tool he is using. I think I would remember if I saw 50 shades of fucked up in the DSM (joke for all the LIT social care people), In all seriousness though there is a tragic back story to Mr. Grey, we are exposed to a little bit of it in the movie and that is the reason why he is the way he is. Which leads me to….
17. Are we really supposed to believe that BDSM is only for people who have tragic backstories?
Because that is all kinds of bullshit.
18. That Ending Tho….
Just stopped. It ended in the a way that reflected an earlier scene and that was it. Leaving you wanting more…
19 The Verdict.
Sure there are lots of cringey moments, a lack of foreplay and not nearly enough sex for my liking but you know what I enjoyed it. I would happily watch it again and yeah I’ll be in line for the next edition too. The soundtrack is great, Ana isn’t as simpering I thought she was going to be. There weren’t any expressive elements of non consensual violence or subjectivity of women, that I noticed at least. Sure there are some corny lines but I still say go and decide for yourself. Before you do though…..
20. Can we have a moments silence to remember that this man should have been Mr. Grey.
No offense to current baby faced Mr. Grey but you will never be Charlie Hunnam.
And he has a doggy!
Well helloooo Mr. Grey. *Le Sigh* By the way Sons of Anarchy is on Netflix and is fulla big biker dudes like Charlie over here. Plus it’s got an awesome storyline too, y’know if super hot, gorgeous, rough n ready, tattooed, beardy, biker blokes aren’t your thing.