BDSM facts you won’t learn from 50 shades of grey

male-submissive-bdsm

 What BDSM actually stands for:

BDSM includes Bondage and Discipline (B&D), Dominance and Submission (D&S), and Sadism & Masochism (S&M). The terms are grouped together that way because BDSM can be a lot of different things to different people with different preferences. Mostly, a person’s interests  would fall into one or two of those categories, rather than all of

 It doesn’t always involve sex……… but it can.

Most people think BDSM is always tied to sex, and while it can be for some people, others draw a hard line between the two. Both are bodily experiences that are very intense and sensual and cause a lot of very strong feelings in people who practice them, but they’re not the same thing. Using a massage as a metaphor. Sometimes a massage, however sensual it feels, is just a massage. For others, a massage is a prequel to sex. It’s kinda  similar with BDSM; it’s a matter of personal/ sexual preference and that of your partner.

 You don’t have to be wounded or broken to do it!

This one is a serious pet peeve of mine. One of the most common and frustrating misconceptions about BDSM is that it is something that emerges from abuse or domestic violence, or some other form of traumatic event. Engaging in it does not mean that you enjoy abuse or abusing. It’s just regular people who happen to find BDSM hot. That’s it nothing more, nothing less. Regular boring ol people teachers, doctors, accountants, nurses, taxi drivers, your neighbours- it’s not an elite club just ordinary people who like a lil kink,

 No still means No!!

There is a serious misunderstanding out there that think BDSM is all or nothing and that if you enjoyed elements of being submissive then you are inherently agreeing to all kinds of submissive and masochistic behaviours. False, Wrong and Wronger!! If a partner tells you otherwise tell them to kindly fuck off! You can – and I strongly suggest you should- have the conversation and pick and choose which BDSM elements you are into and the ones you are not. These are not set in stone, just because you’re not into it with this partner at this time does not mean you are saying no forever!

Just remember that consent is a requirement in BDSM, and it’s possible to consent to one thing while still objecting to another.

 Fifty Shades of Grey is considered very cringeworthy in the BDSM community.

If you ever happen to find yourself at a BDSM meet-up, fetish club or dungeon, don’t ever mention any shade of grey. While some people appreciate that the books spurred more interest in kink and may have made it less stigmatized, others take issue with the abusive, unhealthy relationship it portrays and the seriously unrealistic scenes. All in all, it is not an accurate representation of the BDSM community. So let’s just keep Mr. Grey our little secret ok?

 It’s not all whips, chains and floggers all the time — or ever, if that’s not your thing.

Sure, some S&M enthusiasts might have these in their toy box, but it’s definitely not everyone’s cup of kink. Some people prefer ‘sensual dominance,’ which is where there might be some toys or play but no pain involved at all. It’s more like one partner agrees to do everything the other person asks. BDSM doesn’t have to follow any pattern, and there is no one way or “right” way a BDSM relationship can be.

There are dominants, submissives, tops, and bottoms.

So you’ve probably heard about dominants and submissives (if not, the dominant enjoys being in charge, while the submissive enjoys receiving orders). But BDSMers may also use the terms “tops” and “bottoms” to describe themselves. A top could refer to a dominant or a sadist (someone who enjoys inflicting pain), while a bottom could refer to a submissive or a masochist (someone who enjoys receiving pain). This allows you to have a blanket term for those who generally like being on either the giving or receiving end in a BDSM encounter. And there’s no rule that says you can’t be both dominant and submissive in different circumstances or with different partners, just sayin.

 It can be as simple or as complicated as you like!

Maybe the thought of being tied up excites you, or you enjoy spanking or being spanked. Or maybe you’re more interested in leather masks and nipple clamps and hot wax. All of that (and obviously a lot more) is within the realm of BDSM. Basically, you can still be into kink without actually ever going to a dungeon/ playroom/ red room of

Before you go past the VERY basics, Pretty please do your homework.

Using a blindfold or an ice cube or fuzzy handcuffs you’ve got are all relatively harmless beginner behaviors if you’re into them. But before you play around with some of the trickier tools, you need to learn how to do so safely. Even ropes or a whip can be dangerous if you don’t know what you’re doing. Hell, you can even mess up with your own hands. Think fisting, some people think they can clench a fist and stick it inside somebody. (Ouuuuuuccchhh!!!) No, No, Never, Not Ever!! That’s a good way to really injure someone, send them to the hospital and quite possibly do permanent damage. Instead lots of lube, if you think you have too much think again and starting with two or three fingers, then slowly and carefully building up to the whole hand. For the love of all that is good please trim your nails, preferably wear a latex glove! What?? You don’t know what they have been touching and they want to put that hand inside

Seriously, BDSM involves A LOT of reading and learning.

If you’re one of those people who throws away the directions and tries to build the bookshelf on your own, BDSM is probably not for you. I would say the vast majority of what we call BDSM education is how to maximize ecstasy and minimize risk. How to do all the things you fantasized about doing and to do them safely!

While there’s no one required reading list, there seem to be a few favorites that are often recommended to beginners, like SM 101 by Jay Wiseman, Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns, by Phillip Miller and Molly Devon, and The New Topping Bookand The New Bottoming Book by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton. If you have any others please do let me know!

Classes, conferences, and meet-ups are also helpful for learning specific techniques.  Another popular resource is FetLife.com, a Facebook-like network for the kink community, which can connect you with message boards, groups, and classes in your area.

It’s important to get your information from a variety of sources.

One mistake many people make when first experimenting with BDSM is relying on one person to show them the way. Even if they do have your best interest at heart (and they might not), it can be limiting to only have one perspective on something that is so multidimensional. Instead, seek out books, workshops, meet-ups, mentors, friends, message boards, and more to find a safe place to explore your interests. When you can’t talk about what’s happening and you can’t make sense of your experience with like-minded people, that’s way more dangerous than the variety of activities you might fantasize about,

 Safe words are definitely a thing.

It might sound a bit stupid but it’s a well-established norm in BDSM. Your safe word could  be “Banana Hammock” if you want. You do you. Safe words are probably one of the most important norms that have spread across the community, even if people use them in different ways. Not everyone uses safe words all the time after a while, but it’s important to start out with them. They can essentially be anything you want, as long as it’s something that you wouldn’t normally say during sex. .

There’s also probably way more talking involved than there is with (most) vanilla sex.

Among heterosexual couples in the Western world, vanilla sex often refers to the missionary position. It can also be used to describe penetrative sex without any element of BDSM or any fetish.- Wikipedia

Please don’t shoot the messenger, but yes “standard” sex is referred to as vanilla. Mainly because Vanilla is a standard ice cream flavour. Whenever people question the role of consent in BDSM, they should consider the enormous amount of communication that occurs before, during, and after the scenes. Everything is talked about it hugely before it’s ever done. Talking about what you want to do, how you want it done and fantasies you may have, that’s part of negotiating a good relationship as a BDSMer.”

Aftercare is a must!!

Since BDSM can be an incredibly intense and emotional experience for some, most experts strongly suggest this wrap-up step, where the partners can discuss what has happened and any feelings or reactions they had to it.People are extremely vulnerable during aftercare. It can be really weird to have a scene without it.This can also be a strong bonding experience between the partners.After care varies from couple to couple, some people like soft music and to be held, others prefer to remove themselves from the sexual situation and have the discussion in a more formalised manner. Whatever works!

BDSMers can be monogamous, polyamorous, or whatever the hell they want.

Not everyone who’s interested in BDSM has multiple sexual or relationship partners. It used to be a popular perception that kinksters don’t form long-term relationships. A lot of BDSMers are just monogamous people. A lot of people just want to do it with their partner, a lot don’t. In case you hadn’t guessed one size does not fit all!!

You are not Indiana Jones go handy with the whip!!

There are areas you do NOT want to whip. Like, um, the eyes, obviously. Or the kidney area. The skin is thin there and you have vital organs under there. You can bruise your kidneys if you’re not careful. Classes are key!!

If you want to bring it up in your current relationship, absolutely do it.

There are plenty of stories out there of people who were too nervous to bring it up and then found out that their partner had the same fantasy.  If you’re nervous about it, ask if they’d be interested in checking out a particular book or workshop you heard about. Or just talk about it in the context of sexual fantasies by asking your partner if they’ve ever tried anything like BDSM or if they’ve ever wanted to. If you think about it, you’re only risking one awkward conversation, and the payoff can be huge if this is something you want in your life. If not, well at least now you know!

 Basically, it’s way different than most people expect.

Between stereotypes, porn, and Fifty Shades of Grey, there’s a lot of misconceptions about BDSM. Short of attending a workshop or visiting a dominatrix, the best way to learn more about it is to do some research. Just like with vanilla sex, if you want to be good at it, you really have to learn about what’s going on when this stuff is happening,

If you are still curious to learn more about classes, workshops and all things kink, you may be interested to know there is a full festival dedicated to it! Guess what I am also a facilitator this year. So for more information on all things sex, sexuality and kink pretty please give  http://www.blissfestival.org/ a visit. Plus if you are going to the festival, do please let me know, I’m only dying to meet you guys.

Stay Kinky, Or not y’know your choice.

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