You have no idea how long it has taken me to pluck up the courage to write this post! I even contemplated not writing it at all and attributing my absence to a busy schedule. Truth is I have been busy, unfortunately the type of busy that I have been has been directly related to my Anxiety. Over the past number of weeks I have broken down and built myself back up more times than I would care to mention. Living my life in ridiculous circles- waking up tired from not sleeping right, drinking coffee to wake up, panics from caffeine, stress, the fear, more tiredness and did I mention stress!!
It would be very convenient if this kind of stress would compartmentalize itself or be scheduled so that on a Tuesday between the hours of 3 and 6 all of my anxiety symptoms would happen at once. Alas that’s not the way it works. Instead the anxiety gremlins come in and out of my life as they please and on occasion they shit over everything and steal the joy from my brain. When this happens all the positive thinking and shiny happiness in the world isn’t gonna sort it, for me at least.
I’ve even started seeing someone new and the Anxiety gremlins managed to get involved too. Dating me at times can be akin to engaging in a poly-amorous relationship. There is me on the day to day, cute as a button, smiley happy, kicking ass and swearing like a sailor. There are also days where the anxiety gremlins are driving the ship and that’s a whole variation of myself that I can’t even begin to identify because I hardly see it as myself.
For those who don’t know how to identify how horrible these gremlins can be I will give you an example. You know when you are in the first flurries of romance and you’re full of joy and butterflies, the whole world is glittery and you want to tell the object of your affection that they are the most wondrous creature you have ever set eyes on? Well I found myself in such a situation, unfortunately the anxiety gremlins had set up shop in my noggin and I was rendered incapable of discussing feelings. I sat there stoic and cold while the object of my affection poured their heart and soul out to me.
My response to this? “Well Obviously I have feelings for you!” Declared with as much warmth and affection as pond scum. I talk about feelings all day long! I declare my love for inanimate objects, I claim sexual gratification from food items yet when a real life person stands before me, declaring me to be the most admirable creature they have ever known and anxiety has taken hold I am useless to the point of ridiculous
Thankfully this a happy-ish story and I am in fact on the return journey from Anxiety land. I am starting to be productive and reclaiming some of my joy. It’s not an easy task but fuck it nothing easily gained was appreciated.
Thank you all for your kind words support and patience.
Love and Joy