A Ghost Story

I’ve just been dumped, well at least I think I have.

You see I have not received any confirmation or denial of the dumping.

Yes my lovelies, I have been ghosted!

For those of you fortunate enough not to be aware of this phenomenon Ghosting is defined by Urban Dictionary as:

The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just “get the hint” and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject’s maturity and communication skills. Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels.

Let me start my story from the beginning. I was on my very last nerve with a very popular, unnamed dating site when I got a message from T. T’s initial interaction caught my attention because it was witty and well thought out, the type of interaction that proved he had taken the 2 minutes necessary to read my profile. We sent a number of messages on the site and he hadn’t raised any of the usual red flags for me. You know the sort, “what are you wearing sexy?” “Want some filthy fun?” “Would you like to see more of me?” or my personal favourite “I’ve never fucked a fat girl before but I would love to try!” That last one actually happened…. more than once,I digress. I requested T’s Facebook page so that I could A- ensure he was an actual human and B- So that I would have digital evidence if he turned out to be an axe murderer. This proved to be quite the positive step as we openly stalked each others pages and discussed mutual interests and hobbies.

The next natural step of course was to exchange phone numbers. This happened and we spent quite a bit of time texting back and forth. The topics were varied, intelligent and interesting. Certainly they were interesting enough to go on for full days at a time while I was pottering about the house, being arty or binge watching a Tv series. I was on my summer holidays I wasn’t exactly on a schedule. T was consistently sweet, funny and liberal with compliments, whilst being equally self deprecating. When our interaction had reached a point where I felt like I had a good idea of what this man was like I asked T if he would like to meet up in person sometime. He was excited by the prospect but exceptionally nervous, T wasn’t exactly the cocky type when it came to his looks which made him even more endearing to me. We were in constant communication right up until the morning of the date.

When we met it all seemed to fall into place. Who he was on screen was exactly who he was in person, sweet, goofy and a little unsure of himself. I have to stress at all times he was incredibly sweet. We talked solidly from about 1 in the day until  7 or 8 that evening. He even brought his dog!! We played with the dog, we sat by the water, we laughed, we talked it couldn’t have been more perfect. He even opened up about the recent passing of a significant person in his life and teared up when he told stories about them. He mentioned that it was the anniversary of that person the following day and that he had a significant role to play in those proceedings. Obviously we moved onto other topics of conversation but I thought it quite significant that T would divulge that much sensitive information to me. Moreover it made me more attracted to him because he was comfortable in expressing emotion and talking things out- another thing we agreed we had in common.

He loves animals and is against animal cruelty, he is a big nerd, a big fan of comedy, we like similar comedians, we have similar view points on a number of subjects. We had so much in common and so much to talk about I could hardly believe it. Of course when he mentioned a day and venue for our next date I was elated. I had found a nice guy, a really nice guy, with the most adorable dog, who he thought the world of AND he wanted to meet me again, which natually meant he had feelings for me too. We hugged goodbye, for a little bit longer than a friendly hug, he pecked me on the lips and we parted ways.

It was all quite wonderful. If I’m honest I didn’t quite believe it. I met some friends after the date and they were in as much shock as I was. They couldn’t believe how perfect it all sounded. Then it came, the message I have never gotten before after a date: “I had a wonderful time today, I hope you did too, I can’t wait until we meet again.” We exchanged one or two more messages and then we went to bed. The following morning I wished him well with his tough day, he replied later in the day that he was sorry for not replying that things were very busy and quite tough for him and he would text me tomorrow. I woke the following morning to a missed call at 3am from T so I text to make sure everything was ok. Later on that evening he responded and said that he had a pretty odd night the night before and that he would text me tomorrow.

That was the last I have heard from him. He has disappeared into thin air, well not really. The joy of modern technology is that it will tell you someone is online and whether or not they have viewed a message you have sent. With zero contact and the day of our seond date coming and going I decided it was time to call him to make sure that everything was ok and that the event wasn’t too horrendous for him. Needless to say he never answered that phone call, nor did he attempt to make contact. At this point I was still being quite philosophical and saying things like: He might need some time out, he could be avoiding his phone for the moment while he processes everything and comes to terms with it all. I genuinely believed it too.

Until he took the time to change his facebook profile picture but made zero effort to open the messsage that I had sent him. There I was like an absolute fucking eejit  working myself up into various stages of anxiety worrying that he was keeping all of these horrible feelings bottled in. Worried that he wasn’t coping with what had just happened. Mostly though worried that he might harm himself. Why did I think that? Because that is how my brain works, Unfortunately more than once I have received a call from a loved one in the dark hours of the morning telling me that they want to say goodbye. It is a very real fear that one day I will sleep through the ringing phone.

That is when I lost my shit. No longer did I feel sorry for him, instead I wanted to punch him straight in his stupid face. How dare he have so little fucking respect for me that he couldn’t even be bothered to engage in an adult conversation. Hell a straight out I’m just not that into you would put a lid on it all. Instead of a radio silence that eluded to a thousand maybes and possibilities. Maybes that would not have even been entertained were it not for the big event that was happening in his life. However when you have the time and head space to change your profile picture and yet not text back the chick you have professed to be mad about, then there are no maybes, T has clearly made up his mind on the situation and yet didn’t feel the need to communicate this decision to me. So yeah, it’s sure been interesting/ infuriating.

I fully intend on writing a snappier post about ghosting with practical info and a whole lot funnier but for now I just needed to vent and rant.

And thank you for giving me the space to do so




5 thoughts on “A Ghost Story

  1. What a man-child. I was going to say just ‘child’ at first, but even my nine year old knows and respects the value of polite consideration of the feelings of others. So sorry you’ve had to go through this. Platitude or not, you are definitely better off finding out now rather than later on down the line. Hugs, my girl… #fortify


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