Rebelles’ open letter to the senders of unsolicited dick pics

Angry female naked mole rat.Credit: Buffenstein/Barshop Institute/UTHSCSA

Ms. Molerat receives another dick pic from Mr. Molerat

Hey Youuuu,

How’s it hangin? Ok, poor choice of words.

So you’re sending pictures of your pocket ferret to girls, huh? Well here’s the thing. Not everybody is as excited about your naked mole rat as you are!

If you’re about to snap a pic of your bits to send to that girl you’ve been messaging on WhatsApp or worse a hot stranger on Snapchat -I have just two questions:

1) Did she ask to see your genitals?

2) Did you ask her if she wanted to see your genitals? If so, did she say yes?

If the answer to either of those questions is “no”. Then think for a moment before you hit the “send” button. Is your dick some kind of mythical creature that spouts glitter rainbows and can summon unicorns? If not and she doesn’t give any indication a dick pic would be welcome, don’t send one.

Imagine if digital cameras had never been invented. Would you have the balls (pun kinda intended) to take a picture of your crown jewels and then go to the local chemist to have it  developed and hand it to women in person? Didn’t think so.

Receiving an unsolicited dick pic is the online equivalent of someone flashing you on the bus: it’s a visual assault. Nobody  wants to see a picture of your wiggly worm pop up on  their screen when you’ve never so much as been on a date, particularly if we haven’t asked for one.

Seriously we are not that cock starved! If we want to see a disembodied penis, it’s only a matter of typing “dick” into Google or going to your favourite porn site. Seriously the internet is a literal smorgasboard of all kinds of knobs- long ones, thick ones, short ones, circumcised, uncircumcised, pierced, unpierced, tattooed, split, you name it whatever the kink their is a cock out there for her. If you are hell bent on sharing your love stick with the world why not upload a picture of it onto one of these sites instead of sending it to just your contacts.

I know, I know – there’s a double standard at play here. I’m sure you’d love it if a girl sent you a spontaneous titty pic, so why wouldn’t she want to see what you have to offer? How do I put this gently, I’m sure you have a wonderful dick, but frankly if we haven’t had a conversation or we aren’t gonna sleep together I don’t want to see it. A pink veiny, fleshy mass and/ or a set of hairy balls really isn’t the best way to impress a girl. Flowers, chocolates, a book, coffee, not being a chauvinist pillock, witty banter yes of course- your flesh flute? Not so much.

But here’s the real question: why are you sending women you’ve never met unwanted photos of your love stick? Maybe you’re drunk. Maybe you think if you send her a nude, she’ll send one back. Maybe you’re mad at your ex and you want to remind her there’s no way her new boyfriend’s penis could possibly measure up to your penis. Maybe your ego’s hungry; starving, even, and you’re willing to do whatever it takes to feed it. My pecker is a gift, you think; this girl should be honoured that I’d send her a photo of it.

Maybe it’s three in the morning and it’s been weeks since a woman so much as rubbed her derriere against the outline of your jeans, and you’re lonely, you’re so lonely, and the girl you’ve been talking to on Tinder just gave you her number and you wanna make it really, abundantly, blindingly clear that you will not be friend zoned. Not again. NOT THIS TIME.

Maybe you have met them. Maybe you’ve banged, maybe it’s been a few times.  But unless you’ve had a conversation about exchanging sexy photos, I still refer you to question 1). Just because you banged a few times does not mean you have her consent for future sexual experiences or that she wants to receive poorly lit photos of your tallywhacker.

What if she did specifically ask for a picture of your wang? In this case, I’d still advise you to use your head (as in the one on your shoulders) before you whip out the camera. Is there any possibility whatsoever this dick pic could end up in the wrong hands? Have you ever done anything that might have pissed this girl off/ are you likely to in future? Revenge porn is a thing and it can happen to anybody That wasn’t her best mate you wham, bam, thank you mammed after icon the other night, was it? Do you ever plan on running for a public position? Fancy being the president some day? Is there any chance that, one day, that picture of your tinky winky might be used to publicly embarrass you?

If the answer to those questions is “no”, or you simply don’t care where your dick ends up, and of course the lady in question has asked for it, you go right ahead soldier.

To anybody who’s ever got more than they bargained for when chatting with a gentleman, here are some ways you can respond:

  • Block the sender and carry on with your day. Maybe look at some cute puppy .gifs to erase the offending image from your brain
  • Report them and save other women from having to suffer the same torment
  • Give them greif: “Is that a thumb?”, “I’ve seen better tackle in an angling shop” or a simple “Go away out of it, you thundering cock womble”
  •  Send an emoji: crying-with-laughter, thumbs down, shrimp – there’s a lot of wiggle room here be as creative as you like.

I haven’t quite gotten the liathróidí for this next tip but I have been sorely tempted.

  • Find the cock culprit on Facebook and drop his mum a message, just to let her know what her son’s been up to. I’ve also been tempted to create a misfortunate cocks corner to name and shame the repeat offenders.

And my personal favourite:

  • Send a dick back. A bigger dick. A better dick. A more photogenic dick. A dick that has ambition and is going places.

 

I know fine well I’m going to get a heap of messages calling me a dyke – I’m Pansexual seeing as you’re asking. Telling me I’m a prude, telling me I’m asking for it for being so open about sex and seuxality. Bollocks to that- not literally, put your balls away. At best the pictures have put me off my lunch, at worst they have made me vomit- I will not go into detail, unless you have bought me several pints to block out the memory. Nonetheless addressing this shit is important. Girls- know you are not alone, you do not have to put up with this nonsense and Boys – save the glimpses of your twig and berries for a babe who appreciates your photographic skills.

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