The Things I Can’t Talk About

I would like to think that I’m pretty ballsy in my writing. You would think that there’s nothing I wouldn’t discuss but you’d be very wrong.

This fact came glaring into my view quite recently in light of the horrific murder of Clodagh Hawe and her beautiful boys. Alongside the mainstream media coverage of this terrible tragedy, which rendered Clodagh Hawe invisible,  ran a series of articles discussing the level of violence against women in this country. As soon as the news broke I had people emailing and forwarding links asking for my take on it and asking for my input but I just couldn’t do it.

The things I can’t talk about:

1- Domestic Violence/ Violence Against Women:

I just can’t do it. There is a very selfish reason for this fact, it’s too fuckin close to the bone. It would involve opening wounds and revealing parts of myself and my story that I just can’t. Not only would this impact on me but these stories always impact upon others aswell. Other people who may have to see this information for the first time written in front of them and that is just not fair. It’s selfish but it’s self care. I know I’m not ok with it, I know I’m not ready to go there and that is my choice to make. This might make me a bad feminist, a bad writer or someone who can’t be trusted because I can’t be 100% honest. I’m ok with all of those things, I can live with those. Talking about violence is just not something I’m ready for.

2- Hate:

Anyone who sticks their head above the parapet for even a moment is opening themselves up for criticism, it’s a given. However when you are a female with an opinion on the internet, shit goes south really quick. The hate is frequent and has moved to daily, a tyrade of abusive messages, emails, comments and tweets. Starting with critique of my appearance and escalating up to threats of bodily harm. I can’t talk about these hateful messages, why? Who the fuck would wanna listen to me?? Seriously if I started every conversation with “A stranger on the internet was mean to me” how long do you think people would stay reading for? How long before people got bored of the moaning? Moreover, what’s it going to achieve? It’s not going to stop the lil fuckers and moreover it’s giving them more air time and head space than they deserve.

3- My Sex Life:

Don’t get me wrong, I love talking about sex as much as the next person. I will happily recommend books, toys, websites and positions till the cows come home. I’ve been sitting in coffee shops minding my business when people have approached me with questions. That’s cool, have at it, I’m happy to help. How and ever I’m fairly certain my pool of partners, potential or otherwise would soon start to run dry if I started giving the blow by blow. Seriously, how eager would you be to jump in the sack with someone if you thought they were gonna write a long ass post about it. Some bloggers do it, they do it pretty damn well,  with seemingly zero impact on their hook ups. I however am a queer chick living in Limerick. I have enough shit to contend with besides adding more fuel to the fire.

4-Things I Would Not Say To a Persons Face:

I know I’m a mouthy bint, it’s a given, nobody is surprised. I do draw the line at actively being a bitch to someone for the sake of it. There are plenty of things that piss me off that I would love to share, the behaviours of other bloggers, businesses who have utterly taken the piss, the shitty things people have said behind your back that you would only love to lay it all out for. But I don’t. Not cause I’m a saint or I expect a medal but because sometimes its just better to leave these things go away on their own. Blasting them online when I wouldn’t say it to their face is not the way I want to go. If I have something to say I’ll say it to you and maybe write about the process. However getting on my high horse to blast someone and say their blog is shit isn’t gonna make anything better for anyone. Besides I like to avoid being punched in the face as frequently was possible thanks.

5- My PCOS

Ah yes Poly Cystic Ovarian syndrome. I have it and I fucking hate it!! It is an absolute arsehole of an illness and causes me untold levels of mortification. Some days are fine, others are not and to be quite honest I dont want to be pointing people in the direction of my flaws. Trolls have enough ammunition already, I do not want to hand them another club with which they can beat me.

Yes yes I am a weak woman, wholly influenced by the patriarchal nonsense of beauty standards. Oh yes guys n dolls, the high priestess of anti body bashing hates things about her own body . I have sat down to write about it an untold amount of times and I am just not brave enough.

In time I might pull up my socks and put on my big girl knickers and talk about my bandy ovaries & sex life but for now, I’m happy out not pointing people in the direction of my insecurities. That said if there is anything you would see value in me covering, please do get in touch, I promise I won’t tell you fuck off.

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